You Are Loved

It is important for you to know that you are loved, because pornography is a response to a basic reality: relationships are hard, but gratification is easy. Pornography works by making you feel connected with the people on the screen. It creates a false relationship that requires no work, no commitment, none of the sacrifices one has to make in order to be connected to a real person in real life. Therefore, when you feel alone or isolated or unloved, pornography can grip your heart tightly.

The first step in overcoming pornography is to make a decision: choose true relationships instead of false ones. It takes a great deal of courage to make this decision and stand firm, but you do not need to start from zero. God has a plan for your happiness that includes a pure heart, authentic love, true strength, and self-control. “God is love” (1 John 4, 8), and he wants you to experience his love for you in this life and for all eternity. God sent his Son, Jesus Christ, to give you the grace to break free from bad habits and choose a life of discipleship. Because God loves you and wants you to be happy.

There is a challenge before you. Do you care about yourself as much as God cares about you? Can you love yourself enough to want what is best for your life, and take courageous steps to attain it?

Making this decision begins with getting the information you need to understand why pornography has such a strong hold over you. Do not be afraid to learn the truth: Jesus promised that it will set you free.

Your brain learned to need pornography

God created the human brain with the wonderful capacity to learn, but the brain does not discriminate. It can let good things in and learn good habits (virtues), and it can let bad things in and develop bad habits (vices).
When a person uses pornography, the brain receives many things:

Physical and emotional arousal feeds the brain’s “pleasure center” with chemicals that give the whole body a sense of peace and well-being. Over time the brain learns to seek this arousal and pleasure, and assumes that viewing pornography is the fastest way to get it.
Pleasurable sensations soothe emotional needs and wounds. The brain learns to seek the stimulus of pornography when you are under stress, when you feel hurt or alone, or when you are going through difficult emotions.

ANTI-PORN TIP FOR YOUR LIFE No. 1

Keep laptops in the common areas of your home, and do not take tablets and phones into your bedroom

The part of the brain involved in making memories remembers many external details that you probably do not notice. Later, apparently innocent things in your surroundings can become triggers that cause you to begin thinking about pornography again.

ANTI-PORN TIP FOR YOUR LIFE No. 2

Avoid the Internet when you feel lonely, bored, or upset.

For many men who are chained to pornography, this process of learning to need it began early in life, very often in the preteen years. The first experience can bring up many emotions: curiosity, excitement, and shame, all at the same time. Often this first exposure happens by accident, through a click on a link or finding a magazine, but the boy feels guilty even when it was not his fault. Shame and guilt make returning to pornography even more attractive, because looking at pornography seems to soothe feelings of shame, at least for a short time.

When one learns to seek pornography for the sake of pleasure and comfort, things become complicated. Your brain quickly gets used to the level of pleasure that comes from pornography, which requires a stronger “stimulus” to reach the same high. You will have to look at pornography more frequently or in riskier situations, or begin to view more extreme images.

Meanwhile, the tension has not gone away. Pornography has not solved your problems; it has only helped you avoid facing them for a while. And, often, feelings of shame only isolate you even more from the people you love, which increases your sense of loneliness.

If you have developed a habit of using pornography in this way, it did not happen overnight. It was a process of learning and reinforcement. The use of pornography has caused physical changes in the brain, as well as emotional and psychological attachments that are difficult to break. You will not be able to solve this problem simply with good intentions. You have to “rewire” your brain and create new emotional connections, replacing old habits with new ones.

The process will be difficult, and it will require time, patience, and perseverance, but you can do it.
It begins when you decide to cultivate authentic relationships: with God, with yourself, and with others.

YOU AND GOD

As a child of God, created in his image and likeness, your first and most important relationship is your relationship with the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
Pornography is a grave threat to this relationship because it turns your attention, your imagination, and your affection away from God. Shame makes it difficult to trust that God loves you and will be with you. It can also make it hard for you to pray and terrifying to go to confession. Trying to break free from pornography and failing is discouraging, and can make you feel that God must be disappointed in you too.
But a true relationship with God is based on what He thinks of you, not the other way around:

God the Father is rich in mercy (Eph. 2, 4), and has sent his only-begotten Son to find you, heal you, and bring you home.
The Son of God, Jesus, has assumed a real human nature, and was tested in every way as you are (Heb. 4, 15). He knows your weakness and wants to help you overcome sin and live a holy life in obedience to his Father.
Although we do not know how to pray as we ought, the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings that cannot be expressed (Rom. 8, 26), and he will do what you cannot do on your own.

God is inviting you to rebuild your relationship, your friendship with Him. Begin now, wherever you are, by turning to Him in prayer. Admit your weaknesses before him and ask him for his mercy and help. He will give you the grace you need to overcome pornography, but you have to ask for it.
Perhaps you have already asked for this grace before. Good; ask for it again. Then, acquire the habit of asking for it every day. Take time each evening to reflect on your struggles and your need for his grace, and do not forget to thank him for your successes, too. Evening is also a good time to read the Gospel and come to know Jesus as a real person who is part of your life. Pay attention to the accounts and stories of how he treated sinners and those in need.

ANTI-PORN TIP FOR YOUR LIFE No. 3
Remember that porn models and performers are victims. They feel trapped by pornography just as you are.

As with any relationship, your friendship with God will have ups and downs. Perhaps you have been praying for a long time and do not see any progress. Do not be discouraged! God is inviting you to trust in Him more than you trust in your own strength or good intentions. And when you persevere in prayer, even when you do not feel like it, you learn to see your relationships not in terms of gratification—the lesson you have learned from pornography—but as a matter of commitment and sacrifice.

YOU AND THE CHURCH

God calls you individually by name, but he does not want you to isolate yourself. He wants you to be part of his Church, to be part of a communion with other believers.

Much of the grace God wants to give you comes through the Church, especially through the sacraments. God also gives us the ministry of his priests, who are the models and ministers who help us on the path to holiness. If you want to overcome sin, you need to develop a deeper relationship with the Church and make use of the spiritual gifts the Church offers:

ANTI-PORN TIP FOR YOUR LIFE No. 4
Install accountability software with an Internet filter on all computers and mobile devices.

The sacrament of confession heals the wounds of our sins and allows us to begin again. Go to confession trusting in God’s mercy, instead of fearing his judgment.
The Eucharist unites us to Christ’s sacrifice on the cross, and nourishes us with spiritual food. Go to Mass as often as possible, and receive Communion when it is appropriate.
The Church on earth is one with the communion of saints in heaven, and with the souls in purgatory. Read the lives of the saints, especially those known for purity of heart, such as Saint Joseph, and those who struggled to attain it, such as Saint Augustine. Ask them to pray to God for you.
Pray to the Virgin Mary, and ask her to pray for you. Building a relationship with this wonderful and holy woman can help men not to look at women as sexual objects, and can help women find that purity of heart that opens them to the will of God. Pray the rosary to help you reflect on Mary’s life and see her as a model of love.
Consider asking a trusted priest to see you regularly for confession, or even to ask him for spiritual direction outside the confessional. This can help you become more aware of God’s will for you, and more attentive to where your struggles come from and what triggers your temptations.
Do works of penance and acts of sacrifice to train your body to obey your mind and to place your attention on others rather than on yourself. This may involve bodily sacrifices, such as giving up a favorite food or drink, as well as acts of charity that help other people in need.
Pray for all those who are trapped by pornography: those who make it, those who are in it, and those who use it. Ask God to give his love and grace to all those who need a way out.

YOU AND YOUR HEART

When you are trying to grow in holiness, a little self-knowledge bears lasting fruit. In your encounters with God and the saints in prayer, and in speaking with priests and other spiritual guides, you can learn a great deal about yourself.
Being honest with yourself about where you may be suffering, and about the needs you have, will help you understand what you are really seeking when you feel tempted to look at pornography. There is no shame in being wounded or in having needs. If you show your wounds to God, He can heal them. If you are honest about your needs, God can show you the way to satisfy them in a healthy way.
All of this is a long-term goal that requires perseverance and strategy. Here are some things you can do to help yourself along the way:

Look back over your life and try to remember how you began with pornography and the moments when things got worse. Try to see these moments in their context, and forgive the “younger you” for the things that were not your fault.
Keep a journal and take notes each day about how you feel, what is happening, and when you are tempted. Over time, you may be able to identify the people or situations that trigger your temptations.
Be honest with yourself about the ways pornography has affected your life and your relationships. If you have taken risks, or hurt other people, write it down, and make a conscious commitment not to do it again.
Think about the times when you have been able to stay away from pornography, and try to remember how you felt then. Recognize the moments of peace, freedom, and joy, and let them become reasons to keep trying.

YOU AND OTHERS

The first comment God made about the first man he created was that it was not good for him to be alone (Gen. 2, 18). You are made for loving relationships, and the people God has placed in your life can help you to be the man He created you to be.

It can be intimidating to think about entrusting your struggle against pornography to other people. Of course, it is not something everyone needs to know, or something everyone can handle. But sharing this struggle with a close friend or friends, or with a support group, can be a great help, especially if you are able to speak with people who know what you are struggling with because they themselves have already been through it. If you accept the risk of being honest with others, you will have the joyful surprise of their willingness to be present when you need them.

ANTI-PORN TIP
FOR YOUR LIFE No. 5
Consider asking a good friend, counselor, or spiritual director
to be part of your support team.

It is not good to fight pornography alone. Remember, being imperfect and wounded does not make you unworthy of being loved. Needing the help of others is not a weakness, and it does not have to make you feel ashamed. In fact, the more you can share your life with others in true relationships, the stronger you will be.
Once you have been able to trust a friend or a mentor, they will be able to help you in the long term to stay focused on avoiding pornography and creating good habits. You should use an Internet filter (see the back of this booklet for an example) that blocks pornography on the computer, and most programs allow you to set up a mentor or friend as an “accountability partner.” He will receive reports of the sites you view, and some filters even send text messages when you are trying to access pornography. This reminds you that you are not alone, and gives your “accountability partner” the ability to contact you and help you.
Being aware of the other people in your life will be especially important if you are in a relationship. The use of pornography can harm a relationship with a girlfriend or fiancée, and can be devastating to a marriage.

Pornography will change the way you see your wife or girlfriend, and will deform your expectations of her. When you fantasize about women as a source of sexual and emotional gratification, you violate the trust she has placed in you, and it does not matter whether it was “only” a fantasy and not “in real life.” The shame this involves makes you more secretive and less honest, and this will be an obstacle in your relationship.

This reality must be taken seriously:

Stop telling yourself that pornography does not harm anyone. When you go to confession, tell the priest if you are married or in a relationship with someone, and admit that by using pornography you have also been unfaithful to her.
Speak with your priest or counselor about whether you should talk with your wife or girlfriend about your struggle, and if so, what the best way is to do so. Develop a long-term strategy with your counselor for responding to her questions and rebuilding trust in your relationship.
Recognize those moments when you avoid talking about painful things with her and are tempted to turn to pornography to comfort yourself. Learn to communicate more honestly with her about your emotions and needs, and to be trustworthy and supportive with her.

HAVE HOPE!

Facing the reality of pornography and the effects it has on your heart and your relationships can be difficult. Sometimes it feels as if change is impossible and it is easier not even to try.

Of course, change is difficult, but the kind of change we are talking about is something God desires, and we have his word that nothing is impossible for Him (Luke 1, 37). Will you need a great deal of strength and commitment, perhaps more than you think you have right now? Probably. Does God know that? Of course he does.

He already has a plan to help you do what you cannot do on your own. The virtue of hope enables you to trust in God’s plan and to rely on his help, even when you cannot see the way or walk on your own.

Have you heard the biblical account (John 8, 3-11) of the Pharisees who brought to Jesus a woman who had been caught in the act of adultery? They wanted to condemn her for this shameful sexual sin. Instead, he reminded the crowd gathered around that all of them were sinners, and that they had no right to condemn one another.

Then he turned to the woman and spoke words of profound love:

“Has no one condemned you? Neither do I condemn you.
Go your way, and from now on do not sin again.”
John 8, 10-11

You have this little booklet in your hands because someone wanted you to hear Jesus saying these words to you. Now you have to make a decision. Accept true love, choose authentic relationships, and with the help that comes from God, the Church, and others, begin to walk a new path today. Change your life, and sin no more.

“THERE IS NO MISERY THAT COULD BE A MATCH FOR MY MERCY.” —Jesus to Saint Faustina

CONFESSION IS THE FIRST STEP.

TAKING RESPONSIBILITY IS THE SECOND.

Confessing having viewed pornography and other sexual sins on several occasions can be discouraging, but our merciful Father promises victory to those who struggle against sin.

Source: Catholic Answers

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Published on ApologeticaCatolica.org with express written permission from Catholic Answers in collaboration with José Rivera-Santander and Alfredo Bayon Landa.

Catholic Answers is the largest apologetics organization in North America, made up of lay people devoting our full-time efforts to promoting the Catholic religion through books, booklets, recorded tapes, a monthly magazine, parish seminars, radio and television presentations, and other media such as YouTube.

Nihil Obstat:
I conclude that this text is free of doctrinal or moral errors.
Bernadeane Carr
Censor Librorum
July 30, 1997

Imprimatur:
According to canon 827 §3 of the 1983 Code of Canon Law, permission to publish this work is granted by:
XRobert H. Brom
Bishop of San Diego
August 6, 1997